The Blog of dreamdancer

To My Husband

All these thoughts rise up at odd moments, they take me places in the past where I can remember the loving and sharing, whispered words in my ear of how you loved loving me.

It is going to be 38 years on May 29…I wonder how you think of it.  Oh, I know you will do the outward things of show…the flowers, a small gift, maybe even dinner and movie out.  We will actually have nice time. When we get back home, you will say you have things you need to do, and I will likewise say I have things to do and we will part.  The boys will call to joke about the ancient married folk.  They will want to know how we celebrated, and I will give them a rundown of our evening and say what a good time we had. It will be for the most part the absolute truth. 

It has been 38 years:   

Where do you begin and I end, that was the question often asked?

When did we stop embracing the other's thought before voice even gave it wings?

When did it all end, the closeness, the sharing, the caring?

I have tried to figure it all out...why we are lost in this what?

This void, this shattered present going into an already fractured future.

Why is all this so secret...why not talk it out?

Where would be the loss in that?

Why should I care any longer?

Why should I be angry or sad?

Why I have been there through it all, waiting for one sign from you?

Were you always this way and I was so busy with living I just did not see it?

Were you so tepid in your emotions and me so volatile in mine that I missed it?

Would there be but the smallest of encouragement, my heart would sore to the heavens...to be, to do whatever you required?

Where are you? Where did you go?

Why am I here alone? Why did it stop?

Why are the friends here but the lovers not?

Why in your fears have you thrown it away?

Why am I asking questions which you will not answer?

Why? At the end of the day the whys are fruitless. I know that now, have known for awhile.  I have come to a place where it is not perfect but where I no longer need answers to the questions, because we just are and decision has been made to preserve what we have built over the years.  We will smile and pretend, dance this dance of ritual until its end.  It has been 38 years, this is not what I planned but it is what I have and most of us is still here, and you know that really is not bad.  So I will walk with you the rest of the way. I hope you find a feeling of safety and comfort in this, because I have discovered that is what your greatest need from me now is, and when all is said and done I love you and I know you love me.  Oddly enough I have never really questioned that.  Happy Anniversary.