The Blog of dreamdancer

Why do I blog? I do not think I really have the whole answer to that. I know that when I write it down things become more focused. Sometimes what I think I think, after I write about it is not what I really think at all. Sometimes it is just to work through feelings, because feelings are specters. They represent who we are for a particular place in time, but have nothing to do with our substance unless we chose to allow feeling(s) to rule us. I digress, blogging, why? Yesterday I had a really painful experience. To the logical mind it is ridiculous. I got what I wanted, what I had worked toward, what is right is what will ensue. I just need to step back and allow forward motion. But to the me with feelings, the pain is deep. I also know that if I acted on these feelings, I could change things quite easily and head them in another direction. The thinking logical me knows that will leave too many hurt souls in the way, and at the end of the day will kill the feeling. So I wrote the blog yesterday to shout to the world, "I am hurt. I have pain. I want you to know it." I do not know who out there in cyberland read. I do not what it made you think. I do not know what feelings it may or may not have stirred up, but you shared that pain with me for a time, and knowing that helped me work through it. That blog is no longer public, it is now private. I could not continue to bleed in the open, but I will leave it rest there at least for now. I may never read it again or I may go back and read after time has passed. I may at some point delete it, who knows. The point is I was alone in this pain, no one in my real can share because no on in my real knows the me I am out here. So I shared it in cyber. I spread my pain out. It has not gone away, but the edges are becoming dull. After this blog is written, I will take my thoughts in entirely another direction. I will not dwell on this. I will not think it to death. I will not let it consume my life. I have given it space. I have written it down. I know that what has happened even though it makes the tears run and my heart hurt, I know it will be okay because I have chosen it to be this way and blogging has helped me figure that out.

Why do I blog? I write to work through things. I pretty much blog, listen to music and enjoy rain because they all calm me, allow me to think. I am very private in real. I do not share easily. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. I am practical and pragmatic almost to the extreme. My children are the only ones in my life that probably have the me with all of my parts intact or mostly so. No one else does, they just have the bits and pieces of who they need me to be that is the person they know. I suspect that is true with a lot of us. I think maybe it is what life actually requires. We speak of things like truth, morality, spirit... at the end of the day we need to coexist what we wish to be and what is. I truly believe no matter the circumstance we choose how we want to live, how we want to feel. Sometimes it is not a thinking choice but choice by abdication, letting externals do the choosing. But even when we do that we still have chosen so, I also blog to choose, to get a better picture of what it is I really think, to boast, to show pride, to be angry, to assuage hurt, to rail against unfairness, to be bitchy, to feel sorry for myself.... this list could go on and on. All of these for me are reasons to blog. By writing it down, I get perspective and an outlet that with out it my mind just may prove to fragile a place to hold all these thoughts unshared and un-dissected.

Why blog public? Geez this is a good one. Diaries are private, but if we were to find one the instinct is to open and to read another's private thoughts because they are just that private, fantasy, hidden, unshared anywhere but there in that diary. Blogging is just an electronic form of the same. This blogging on EP has the added plus of the author being able to share these private hidden thoughts safely. Though my moniker is DreamDancer no one has a clue to who I am. So it is with a greater freedom that I may express my thoughts and feelings because with a point and a click I can disappear, no harm, no foul. It feels good to share thoughts with unknown people, gives a connection. I wondered at first about this comment business. I thought do I really want strangers commenting on this craziness in my head. I have not really had much comment, and those that I have had have been on safe stuff. I find when I read a blog...if the writer states they want feedback, usually I will try to comment. There have been a few where I was driven by an inner need to comment, to offer friendship, to offer empathy for their pain and sometimes to offer advice based on my life experience on issues we may share in common, but for the most part I do not comment either. I feel it pretty much hubris on my part to think I should be dispensing advice. I have a few private blogs where what I think is like hemorrhaging, and if I share it I will bleed out. Those I keep private, the rest I share for connection, continuity, making a bridge. Sometimes the connection provides me with a friend. Most of the time I know connection has been made because of the rise in the number in that little eye at the bottom of the page. Connection in any form I have I think is good, so for the most part I blog in public for the connection.

When I woke up this morning I was not going to come out here. I was not going to blog. I was not going check for PMs. I was not going to do a lot of stuff, but here I am. Go figure. So all of you that are reading for this small time and space we share a connection from me to you and I thank for reading. I thank for the connection. May your day be filled with what fills you up, what makes you happy, may the choices you make give you what you need.